Anne's Blog

      Some days there is just too much sadness.  I turned on the TV to cast music from You Tube from my phone onto it via my Google Chromecast and a scene with black hearse idling outside a church in Houston came onto the screen before I could change the settings. I could see a casket in the back and, without reading the thing on the bottom of the screen, I knew it was Barabara Bush's funeral being televised. It was overcast in Houston just as it was here. The somber mood from the TV seemed to reach out and envelope me in it even though I didn't want to be depressed today. I didn't have time. Then, yesterday was my mother's birthday. She would have been 80. Why couldn't my mother be one of the mother's who lived to be 92?  It's sad that Barbara Bush died but she lived a long life and lived it well. Maybe, it's okay to move on from this world when you have lived a life that mattered? My mom wasn't the wife of one president and the mother of another on...

Today, when I was walking home from yoga and about to turn right on 37th and Jefferson, I had a random thought. I saw a plastic, yellow bat in front of the house on the corner. That family has 4 young children. I suppose they were outside playing in the front yard recently. I saw that bat and I thought of the children who live there and wondered if I had ever been young and had little children? I mean I know both were true at some point in the remote past but I don't even feel like it was ever me. I have to think about this some more.  It's disconcerting and deeply unsettling to  acknowledge that I have spent a good portion of my life just existing and not really living in any moment.  I cannot go back in time and, to be fair to myself, I also have to take into consideration how depression has periodically crippled me probably from a fairly young age. I don't remember much about my childhood but I do definitely associate the insidious black cloud of depression with myself...